Episode Guide




File Two Productions

Vague Rant Productions

Donkey Kong Universe
203: In Goldblum

Original Airdate: May 15, 2006

It was the social event of the year! The Albino Squirrel Preservation Society had decided to hold a charity gala in town, news of which attracted Hollywood megastar Jeff Goldblum to attend. What's more, Shake it Up, the new owners of Silvan Summers Boxing, had been signed to cater. This meant Elvis, Slick, Silvan Summers, and Joey Bagwell would also be going.

Slick knew that while albino squirrels were endangered on Earth, they were still plenty plentiful on his alternate homeworld of Garth. Becoming a slave to his delusions of grandeur, Slick fantasized about being worshipped by the animal activists should he be able to successfully repopulate the species. He just needed to find a way back to Garth. Not able to get the alien escape pod flying again, Slick began studying science magazines in order to build a homemade "telepod." Such a "telepod" would be able to open a wormhole to Garth or any other multiversal destination, allowing the traveler safe passage and easy access back. Slick just needed to figure out how to get it to work.

At the gala, Elvis had brought along Diane as a date. She was none too pleased with all the attention Elvis was giving to Slick and his attempts at getting the "telepod" working, wanting a romantic night out for a change. Meanwhile, Silvan was only concerned with getting a cocaine buzz. On his way to the janitor's closet (where Slick and Elvis also were) to sneak a fix, the leisure suited one ran into a disturbing sight: Mayor Nixon. Nixon, who had recently arranged for Silvan's release from prison, was looking for a favor. According to him, it was "imperative that Elvis and Slick Monty are separated. So long as they're together, the fly will inadvertently foil my plans for Elvis... like he helped to do the last time." Since they now worked together as well as being roommates, they were never apart. Nixon wanted Silvan to get rid of Slick, lest he himself wanted to end up like John F. Kennedy.

In the janitor's closet, a sloshed Diane and a limping Joey Bagwell (now walking with a cane) were checking in just in time to witness a test run of the "telepod." It was quite unsuccessful. Diane finally managed to pry Elvis away as Slick climbed in for another go, leaving only Joey behind on the floor (don't ask) to witness the second test. At that moment, Jeff Goldblum was making his grand entrance in the main hall. All were excited by his boyish good looks and immeasurable charm. Back in the closet, the "telepod" was humming along until a familiar pair of legs walked into the room, over Joey, and next to the cardboard machine. Tampering with it by pulling off a piece of duct tape, the figure quickly left before the amount of damage could be assessed. The results were almost immediate: A burst of green energy shot out from the front of the "telepod", twisting out from the closet through the corridors of the building and into the main hall... right through the body of Jeff Goldblum. As Goldblum dissipitated, the energy beam retracted back into a shellshocked Slick.

Later, back at the apartment, Elvis, Slick, Diane, and Joey all returned together. Elvis showed concern for Slick, but Joey was more worried about who he saw pull the duct tape off of the "telepod": Silvan Summers. Too bad nobody cared enough to hear him out. Nevertheless, with multiple cups of coffee in tow, he decided to stay the night and guard Slick should Silvan come back looking to finish the job.

The next morning, Mayor Nixon held a press conference to placate Jeff Goldblum fans worldwide who were in panic over his strange disappearance. Never one to handle situations in front of a camera well, this somehow devolved into him gunning down most of his press corps. A nervous Silvan was among those watching. Realizing that he could suffer the same fate as the journalists, he knew he had to deal with Slick... permenantly. Slick, however, had other concerns at that moment. He had woken up with black, curly hair and was displaying some strange vocal patterns. You guessed it! He was turning into Jeff Goldblum.

As Slick's transformation into Goldblum continued at a rapid pace, Joey found himself failing at getting their guards up over Silvan's impending arrival at the apartment. Soon, though, there wouldn't be a Slick Monty to murder. His antennae and wings had fallen out, his fingers had divided, and his face had even morphed into that of Mr. Goldblum's. Luckily, with these cosmetic changes, he was was also able to tap into the scientifically superior mind of Jeff Goldblum. This led to an epiphany. The problem with the telepod was that it was merely off-balance. A hacky current affairs book was all that was needed to realign it and get it working. Then, zeroing in on the Jeff Goldblum DNA, he would be able to extract the foreign genetic material and send it to Garth. Although it was a close call (with Slick's compound fly eyes even giving way to those of a human's), the de-splicing process was a success. Jeff Goldblum was sent via wormhole to Garth (where he was promptly eaten by a Tatilauian Spider) while Slick Monty was himself again. It was during this moment of celebration that Silvan decided to intervene. Reaching into his jacket, he pulled out a gun and coldly shot Slick to death. By gun, of course, we mean a pink slip, and by shot Slick to death we mean he fired him.

Joey (who was, once again, on the floor) was confused though. If all Silvan planned on doing was firing him, then why go to the trouble of making an attempt on his life via tampering with the "telepod"? Silvan had no idea what Joey was referring to, since he wasn't the one who performed the act of sabotage.

Logically, the culprit was Diane wearing a cardboard Silvan Summers mask.

Watch This Episode!


Banks Lee as Elvis
Greg Janda as S'Larik del Monte (Slick Monty)
Jeff Stebbins as Silvan Summers

Matthew Muhl as James Vermouth, Newsman, Will Vodka, New Man, and Jeff Goldblum
Mariola Schmid as Diane Buttercup
Mark Moseley as Joey Bagwell
Chad McCanna as Richard Nixon
Dr. Alan Albarran as Danny
Liz Bryant as Kathleenna Gin
Dan Grunewald as Officer Murtagh Boklovah

Executive Producers .... Chad McCanna and Hyle Russell
Created by .... Hyle Russell and Chad McCanna
Faculty Advisor .... Phyllis Slocum
Director .... Chad McCanna
Head Writer .... Hyle Russell
Additional Writing .... Chad McCanna
Camera .... Chad McCanna and Jimmy McCoy
Boom Operator .... Matt Gibson, Katrina Gutierrez, and Brent Barron
Editing / CGI .... Chad McCanna
"A Friend at the End" Composed and Performed by .... Eric Lambert
Original Score .... Jeremy Thorn
Special Thanks .... Walter Deed, Jeremy Thorn
Apartment Provided by .... CityParc Apartments

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